Eff You, AutoCorrect
by PatchsFallenAngel
Summary: Autocorrect. We all hate it. Bella especially, after recieving a text from Edward. Caution: lots of swearing. Not suitable for those with a low tolerance for the "F-word".
1. Fuck You, AutoCorrect

**Fuck You Autocorrect**

**A Twilight Fanfiction  
by PatchsFallenAngel**

**Characters: **Bella/Edward

**Rating:** M

**Genre: **Angst/Humour

**Summary: **Autocorrect. We all hate it. Bella especially, after receiving a text from Edward. Caution: lots of swearing. Not suitable for those with a low tolerance for the "F-word".

**Authors Note: **I've already posted this story, but FFn took it down because the title and summary were too vulgar. So I took out the swearing, but I should warn you that this story has lots of swearing. If you don't like it, fuck off :)

**Disclaimer: **All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. Unfortunately.

* * *

_Having a great time. Wish you were her. –Edward._

_Her_? Who's _her_? Why is _her_ not _me_? Why does he want _me_ to be _her_? Is he with another woman? That's got to be the only explanation, right? I mean, he is on a business trip. What else do men do on business trips?

_Their secretaries_, my mind shouts at me.

_Fuck you, bitch,_ I screamed at my brain.

Yeah, I have conversations with myself. Who doesn't?

Edward wouldn't do that to me, I concur. Not with his secretary. He's hot, blonde secretary with those soft pouty lips and legs that go on for miles…

Fuck, even I'm getting turned on just thinking about her!

I look at the text again.

Her.

Her.

Her.

Her.

_Bing!_

Another text.

_Tanya's fucking crazy. Wish you were her so bad. –Edward._

He wants me to be crazy? As in more...adventurous in bed?

Like she is.

With him.

In bed.

I was adventurous. I mean, I wouldn't let him stick his cock in my ass, but I do...other things. Kinky things. Like handcuffs and spanking. Shit like that.

Like my mother told me during our sex talk: kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole damn chicken!

Needless to say, I had an aversion to poultry after our little discussion.

_Bing!_

_I want a pussy. A small one. Yours is too big. –Edward._

Did he just call me loose?

I resisted the urge to punch him through the phone. If I have a loose vagina, it's his fault! Wanting to have sex all the time, pounding into me like there's no tomorrow…

My clit throbs.

I resist the urge to slap her too.

She'd like it too much.

_Whore! _I yell at her. Yeah, I talk to my clit as well. Fuck you.

_Bing!_

_I need new hoes as well. –Edward._

Hoe_s_? As in more than one.

Tears filled my eyes.

_Edward, you are so dead when you get home_, I thought to myself.

.

.

.

.

It was a while until my phone went off again. I was curled up on my bed, hugging knees to my chest, crying over Edward. Stupid prick couldn't even keep it in his pants for three days.

I sobbed hysterically as I looked at the newest message.

_Trying out the bed. The stupid thong is confusing me? Why does it jiggle? –Edward._

Thong? Tanya's thong? Or maybe it's one of his other hoes'. And why does what jiggle? Her ass? Her flaps? I chock back a chuckle. And he had the nerve to call me loose.

Just under an hour later came, _Why couldn't you be her? –Edward._

Again with the "her"! I'm going to tear out Tanya's breast implants and shove them up his ass when they get home tomorrow.

_Call me? –Edward._

He wants me to call now?

_Bella? _

I didn't reply

_Baby?_

Now I'm baby? Fuck you Edward Cullen.

My phone starts to ring. A picture of Edward pops up on my screen along with his phone number. He's so god damn sexy.

Asshole!

I throw my phone at the wall.

Dickhead!

I pick it up and throw it again.

_Bring, bring!_

He's calling the house phone?

Motherfucker!

I pick that up to and throw against the wall. It joins my mobile in pieces on the carpet.

I cry myself to sleep.

Cocksucker!

.

.

.

.

The doorbell woke me up.

Disorientated, I walked over to the door and flung it open, prepared to tell whoever the fuck it was fuck the fuck off!

It was Jake.

Jake, who I've known since birth.

Jake, whose been pining after me since we hit puberty.

Jake, who would fuck me if I gave the okay.

I smiled at him seductively. Albeit, I probably looking like an extra from _Shaun of the Dead_.

Or more accurately, a hooker from Zombie Strippers.

Jake's eyes bulged. And not in disgust. He was aroused.

Maybe he was into that kind stuff...

I looked down.

Oh!

I smirked.

I was wearing my tiny gym shorts that were too small on me - my ass hung out of them, resulting in Edward getting a boner and me being bent over the couch in the living room. My man like ass. I grew angry as I remembered the text messages.

I focused on the fact that I had one boob had popped out of my tank top, under which no bra was seen. Only nipple. A fuck load of nipple. Perk, pink, erect nipple.

I looked up.

Jake was still staring.

I winked.

Jake almost jizzed in his pants.

I beckoned him inside.

He followed.

I pushed him down onto the couch, ripping off my tank top.

He eyed my tits like a 13 year old finding his dad's porno collection for the first time.

I straddled him.

A gasp in the doorway of the flat alerted me to the fact that I forgot to close the door.

I looked up to see Edward, he's expression one of hurt and rage.

I smirk.

Asshole.

Oh, wait. I've used that one.

I made a mental note to think up new insults.

''What the fuck's going on here?'' he demanded.

I jumped off Jake's lap, my clit cursing at me - the guy was hung like fucking Phar Lap and she wanted some of that - and walking over to Edward.

''What the fuck is going on here?'' I cried, flapping my arms about. ''What about in Sydney, you fucking son of a bitch?''

A new insult! I'll file that away for later use.

He seemed momentarily dazzled by my tits. I don't blame him. Their pretty spectacular.

''What about Sydney?'' he yelled at my boobs. ''I texted you, but you didn't reply!''

''You texted me 'I wish you were her' about three fucking times, dipshit!''

_Good one, Bella, _my brain cheered, waving her pompom's in the air.

''Here! I wish you were here!'' he corrected.

I went to reach for my phone when I remembered it now in a pile on the lounge room floor.

''Check your sent messages, douchebag.''

And he did. I watched his face go from angry to confused to shocked to...happy?

He was laughing.

Motherfucking asshole!

''I forgot to add the 'e' on the end of here?'' he explained.

''What about the pussy? And the hoes?''

''I have autocorrect on my phone,'' he said, calmly. ''I was talking about Roger. Ya know, that monstrosity you call a puppy? My phone must have thought I meant pussy. As for the hoes, I was talking about shoes. My old Italian leathers are worn the fuck out.''

As if on cue, good ol' Rog came hobbling out of my bedroom, his little tail wagging behind him, carrying one of aforementioned leather shoes in his mouth.

''And the thong?'' I asked, almost too scared to know the answer.

''I meant 'thing','' Edward explained. ''Stupid fucking auto correct!'' he mutter under his breathe.

I looked down at the ground, embarrassment coating my face.

''So you don't want me to use a whole chicken?''

''I don't even want to know what that means, baby girl,'' Edward smiled, pulling me into a hug.

A cough resounded behind us, effectively ruining this otherwise beautiful moment (if you ignore the fact that I was half naked and freezing my fucking ass off!)

''I guess I should go, then...''

Right.

Jake.

I smiled apologetically at him as he waddled out my door.

I'd waddle too if I had a cock that size ready to burst out of my jeans.

_Gimme! Gimme! _My ovaries screamed (yes, they can talk as well).

If Edward wasn't standing before, the epitome of perfection and sexgodlyness (totally a word), I'd be all over that shit like a bad rash.

Like I said before: hung like a fucking horse!

The door closed with a click and as soon as we were alone, Edward pounced.

Quite literally.

One moment I standing there with those tiny short on, the next I was naked and bent over the arm of the couch.

Told ya. These shorts were like fucking magic.

Pun intended.


	2. Fuck You, AutoCorrect EPOV

**Fuck You Autocorrect**

**A Twilight Fanfiction  
by PatchsFallenAngel**

**Characters: **Bella/Edward

**Rating:** M

**Genre: **Angst/Humour

**Summary: **Autocorrect. We all hate it. Bella especially, after receiving a text from Edward. Caution: lots of swearing. Not suitable for those with a low tolerance for the "F-word".

**Authors Note: **This is Edward's POV on what happened. I don't why, but I just felt like Edward had some stuff to say. Yeah, fictional characters talk to me. I decided to have them live in Newcastle, as that is where I'm from. Go the Knights! The ending may be a little repetitive so if you don't like that type of thing, then see ya :)

**Disclaimer: **All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer. Unfortunately.

* * *

**Edward's POV**

I lay on the cushioned couch in the luxurious room my work paid for feeling completely alone.

I missed Bella.

I looked at my watch. I had an hour to spare before I had to meet with new client, Carlisle Cullen. He was the head of a huge business that he wanted to sell before retiring to Queensland with his wife, Esme. They were a nice couple. Warm and compassionate, and very much in love.

I smiled, thinking of my Bella. I wondered if we would grow old and grey together as well. That is, if I can survive her craziness for fifty more years.

My smile grew. If I missed her craziness this much already, then I was positive we would last.

Pulling my phone out of my pants pocket and texted her a message telling her that I wished she was here.

The things I would do to that woman if was here. I licked my lips picturing her in those tiny shorts she loves to parade around in, low cut tank tops with no bra…

A knock at my door pulled me from my Bella-induced haze.

Begrudgingly, I got up and went to answer the door. On the other side, my secretary, Tanya, smiled seductively.

"Hey, Edward," she purred. I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Sure, Tanya was hot. But she was vapid and exhausting. The only reason I hired her was to make Bella jealous so that she'd date me.

Worked like a fucking charm.

"What do you want, Tanya," I asked, anxious to see if Bella texted back.

Tanya straightened her back, a move that effectively pushed her tits into my face. Not that I was looking.

Okay, so maybe I peeked a little, but they RIGHT IN MY FUCKING FACE!

"I want many things, Edward," she said, running a manicured finger down my chest. "Starting with you."

I pushed Tanya back gently. "I'm with Bella," I said firmly. "Now, if you don't need anything, kindly fuck off until the meeting."

I slammed the door in her face and threw myself back down onto the couch. Checking my phone, I saw that Bella hadn't replied to my text.

"Tanya's fucking crazy," I sent Bella, saying what I was writing as I wrote it. "Wish you were here so bad."

I waited a few more minutes before sighing. I checked my watch again. I still had half an hour.

I got up yet again, deciding to venture outside and get a coffee before the business meeting with Carlisle.

As I walked out of the hotel and down the road to Starbucks, I saw a woman walking a small dog. It was adorable and so unlike Bella's half-bear, Roger. Even though her dog is ten times bigger than she is, she still calls him puppy.

I grinned fondly at the small dog as it looked up at with big brown eyes.

I instantly thought of Bella and pulled out my mobile phone.

"I want a puppy," I wrote. "A small one. Yours is too big."

I chuckled, knowing that I was sure to endure Bella's tirade for insulting her pup. Her tirades are the best though. We fight, we forgive, we fuck. Then the process starts all over again.

Admittedly, I tend to start most of the fights, and they're usually over insignificant things. But the make-up sex is SO worth it.

"I'm so sorry," a timid voice said, and yet again I was brought away from my Bella daydream. In front of me stood the woman who owned the small dog. "I can pay for those."

I looked down to see what she was talking about.

The dog shat on my shoes! My last pair of expensive Italian leathers.

"It's fine," I told the lady, even though it totally wasn't. "It was only an accident."

She smiled thankfully and I turned and walked back to the hotel. The only shoes I had left were my joggers. They didn't go with my suit, but hopefully Carlisle wouldn't be too offended.

Pulling out my phone again, I texted Bella. "I need new shoes as well."

I stared longingly at my phone, wishing that it was me travelling back to Bella, not a stupid text message.

.

.

.

.

The meeting with Carlisle went well. After he stopped teasing about my choice in shoes, that is.

I collapsed onto my bed, only to roll off it. It was as if a massive wave had just thrown me off the bed.

I picked myself up off the floor and inspected the bed.

A water bed. I hated water beds, ever since my brother Emmett burst mine when I was a kid while I was sleeping.

I managed to surf my way into the middle of the bed, and once again pulled out my phone.

"Trying out the bed," I sent Bella. "The stupid thing is confusing me? Why does it jiggle?"

I knew she'd laugh at that. She knew how much I hated waterbeds.

While I waited for Bella to reply to my texts, I opened up my laptop and began typing up the reports that my boss had asked to finish.

And hour later I has finished one of the tree reports and decided to check my phone to see if Bella had replied.

She hadn't.

Disappointed, I told her that I wished she was here for the third time that day.

Still no reply.

Being the impatient person that I am, I urged Bella to call me. Normally when I wanted her to call that meant something urgent was happen.

When she didn't respond, I began to get worried. Normally she'd be the one texting me incessantly.

"Baby?" I sent her.

When I still received no reply, I call her mobile phone.

No answer.

I tried our home phone.

No answer.

My heart began to race. What if something happened to her? I don't think I could survive if anything happened to my Bella.

Picking up my wallet, keys and mobile phone, I exited my room and rushed to Tanya's.

A dishevelled Tanya opened the door.

Smirking, she said, "If you're here because you want me, sorry but this ship has sailed."

I rolled my eyes. "This is important, Tanya."

My serious tone sobered her up. "What's wrong?"

"I need you to call the office and get them to send someone else up here to sign the contract with Carlisle. I need to go home."

Tanya nodded, telling me that she'd get right onto it. "How are you getting home?" she asked.

"There's a train to Newcastle every hour or so. I'll just catch that."

.

.

.

.

I ran up to mine and Bella's flat, taking two steps at a time. Once I got to the top of the staircase, I noticed that door was opened.

I heard a manly groan echo from within the flat.

My brow furrowed and it took me a second to register the scene before me.

Bella, half naked save for a pair of minuscule shorts, straddling Jacob _fucking _Black on MY couch.

A gasp escape my mouth. Hurt and rage simultaneous coursed through me. Here I was, worried sick about her, and she was fucking cheating on me.

''What the fuck's going on here?'' I demanded.

Bella jumped off Jake's lap, a scowl etched onto her face, marring it, and walking toward me.

''What the fuck is going on here?'' she cried, flapping my arms about. ''What about in Sydney, you fucking son of a bitch?''

It took me a second to register her words. I couldn't look away from her chest. But hey, who could fault me? My girlfriend had fucking amazing tits.

''What about Sydney?'' I yelled at her boobs. I couldn't help it. They were titnotising. ''I texted you, but you didn't reply!''

''You texted me 'I wish you were her' about three fucking times, dipshit!''

"Here! I wish you were here!" I corrected her.

"Check your sent messages, douchebag," she screamed at me

I did. My anger dissipated into confusion, and then shock, until finally, I started laughing.

I couldn't help it. ''I forgot to add the 'e' on the end of here?'' I explained. Only Bella would over-react to such a small thing.

Instead of called me and asking what the fuck I was talking about, she assumed the worst.

''What about the pussy? And the hoes?'' she asked, her voice growing timid and insecure, nothing like my Bella.

''I have autocorrect on my phone,'' I said, calming down at her sad look on her face. ''I was talking about Roger. Ya know, that monstrosity you call a puppy? My phone must have thought I meant pussy. As for the hoes, I was talking about shoes. My old Italian leathers are worn the fuck out.'' No need to tell her that a dog shit on them.

As if on cue, good Bella's dog came hobbling out of our bedroom carrying one of aforementioned leather shoes in his mouth.

''And the thong?'' Bella asked, seeming almost too scared to know the answer.

''I meant 'thing','' I explained. ''Stupid fucking auto correct!''

Bella's eyes met the ground in embarrassment.

''So you don't want me to use a whole chicken?''

The fuck? ''I don't even want to know what that means, baby girl,'' I said, pulling my girl into a hug.

Jacob _better-stay-the-fuck-away-from-my-girlfriend _Black coughed from behind Bella.

''I guess I should go, then...'' he trailed off, probably scared of the murderous glare I was shooting him.

If looks could kill…

Slowly, he exited the flat, trying to cover his erection. Yeah, I'm hard too. I might have been angry, but be around Bella had me constantly hard.

Once the door had closed, I took my anger out on Bella.

Or rather, her pussy.

_I love these fucking shorts, _I thought as I tore them off her and bend her over the arm of the couch.

Pun intended.


End file.
